The Last Scream You Hear Will Be Your Own.

Screamers is a movie based on a novel by Phillip K Dick, the author who developed the original ideas for Bladerunner and Total Recall. And was produced in 1996 with Director Christian Dugay. It stars Roy Dupuis, Andy Lauer, Jennifer Rubin and Peter Weller.

Screamers on DVD looks full of promise. This could be a science fiction classic. The year is 2078. We have a group of humans stuck on a desolate planet with the endearing name of Sirius 6B (with weather alternating seamlessly between the Sahara and Alaska), fighting a violent and bloody war with each other. I was disappointed to find that there were no aliens. I can’t think of a bad alien movie, even if only for the rubber costumes. The war appears to be over some kind of futuristic Health and Safety at Work scenario although as things progress this all becomes pretty pointless. It transpires that almost no fighting has taken place for the last six months. As this would obviously make for a dull plotline one side has introduced a new breed of weapon, colloquially known as a Screamer. The best way to describe one of these is a cross between a disc saw and a mole that has taken rather too many E’s. They zip around under the ground at speed and on cue, fly into the air and efficiently slice to pieces any living object. Unless of course you happen to be wearing a pretty coloured bracelet that identifies you as one of the good guys. Personally I would prefer something a little more reassuring. As they near their soon to be gory destination, these little metal killing machines scream at high pitch - hence Screamers.

The opening five minutes of the film are tense, exciting and inevitably, a bit of a jolly bloodfest. This is all great stuff but it soon starts to go wrong. The story seems to become complicated. In reality it probably isn’t, but the movie becomes so interminably boring that the plot becomes harder and harder to follow. The crucial point is that various new ‘Screamer’ models seem to have been introduced. It all seems a bit silly. The tiny metal mole things that were the cutting edge of technology one moment have now been superseded by a model that looks just like a cute little orphan boy. Of course, your average hard-bitten soldier would invite the orphan back to his base station, where it stops being a cute little orphan and slices all of his limbs off. Technology is a wonderful thing.

At least in Terminator the new T1000 model was suitably explained, if equally implausible. Suddenly, there is yet another new Screamer model (Bill Gates must have bought the Screamer factory).. But we don’t know what this one looks like. Is it machine or humanoid ? Without wishing to destroy the story completely (not that it would take a lot) you are left wondering who in the cast isn’t a Screamer. Are there any real humans at all ? Do we really care ? Where are the Aliens and when do we get to see some explosions ? This film needed to be fast and furious and full of the tantalising probability of nudity (Just like Starship Troopers) but it fails miserably on every count.

The one redeeming feature of this DVD is the soundtrack. It really spanks along and gives your rear surrounds a most needed dusting. Bits of the movie are so rear focused that you may need to install a second TV behind you to complete the full audio-visual immersion. Some of the music seems completely out of place but it does make up for some shockingly lacklustre direction.

I have seen lots of worse films, and several that are more boring but Screamers is not one to rush out and buy. If you can borrow a copy and have a huge pile of ironing to do its would be worth a go. If not, you’d be better off teaching yourself to juggle. Its just as frustrating and time wasting, but you might end up with something to show for it.